Disconnect Me I'd Rather Be Nothing
by misswhiteblack
Summary: Sirius is Grieving ...


It was late when I got out of the car in front of my flat. The streets were dark apart from the streetlights that flickered slightly. It had been a long day and I was knackered. Even though I was no longer allowed to be on the team due to my pregnancy that didn't stop me going to every practice. It was just a lot more boring when you weren't doing anything but watching everyone else practice. I had dropped by the Order of the Phoenix Headquarters before I had headed home too. James just seemed exhausted and Lily was now huge with their firstborn. They only had two months to go before they were a family. It felt so strange to me being pregnant at a time like this. Death was everywhere. Every time I picked up the _Daily Prophet_ I felt sick thinking that one day I might open it to find out something had happened to one of my friends. Death Eaters had already got to Gideon and Fabian Prewett. Yes, death was everywhere but Lily and I weren't the only ones thinking of bringing life into the world. Alice Longbottom was also pregnant, Molly Wesley was on her fifth pregnancy and sixth child and even Narcissa Malfoy was poised to give birth to another Malfoy heir. So much life and so much death. I couldn't believe how messed up our lives had become.

I entered through the door coming into the light of the hallway. For a brief moment I think to check the mailbox and then I realise that anything important would have come by owl. The muggle post would just have to wait until the morning. I turned to the lift and pressed the button. I used to take the stairs before I my bump started to get bigger. I didn't like having to wait on the lift but now carrying around the extra weight of my child made me more inclined to wait on the lift coming to me than hauling myself up the stairs. As I got in the lift, the door closing, I wondered if he would be at home. I hoped he was and he wasn't sulking around Knockturn Alley again. Honestly, the things he did for the order worried me a lot. Not that there was much help for it. We needed all the witches and wizards we could get and with everyone getting pregnant at the moment, the witches were hardly keeping up their end.

I got out of the lift on the top floor and turned left down the corridor to the door to my flat. I fumbled with the keys in my jeans pocket. I inserted the key into the lock and let myself into the flat. I immediately knew that something was wrong. I don't know how I knew but I could feel it in the air. I dropped my keys on the small table near the door where the lamp was sitting. The main lights were off but I could see him hunched over the table with an empty bottle of firewhisky next to him. Confused, I walked slowly towards him. I could feel the dread coursing through my veins. What had happened this time? Who had it happened to? What kind of misfortune could have befallen us now?

I reached him. He was clutching a piece of parchment in his hand and I could see it shaking. I put my hand on his shoulder and he jumped slightly as if he hadn't registered that I had come home. He looked up at me and the pain in his eyes make me feel automatically sick. My stomach churned like our baby was doing somersaults. I could smell the alcohol on his breathe. I wanted to ask him what had happened but I was scared of the answer. I didn't want to know who we had lost. I didn't want to know what had happened to our friends. I wanted to turn away from him. I wanted to run and never look back. I really didn't want to do this anymore. I didn't turn away however and I could feel how cold his skin was under my touch. I couldn't just leave him like that. Yet I didn't know if I could handle what he was about to tell me. His eyes looked so haunted that I knew it couldn't be good. I knew that this couldn't end well. Surely it couldn't be James or Lily. I just came from seeing them. Remus maybe? Peter? Emmeline? Hesita? Frank or Alice? I wanted to scream at him to tell me quickly. I always seem to think the quicker you hear bad news the less it hurts. My mind went quickly to my siblings. Please don't let it be any of them. I couldn't bear it. I'd already lost my parents to this war.

'Sirius?' I managed to choke out as he looked at me through those horrified eyes. 'Wh – What is it?'

I only just stopped myself from asking who. That would only make things worse. I braced myself waiting for the reply but I never got one. Sirius just looked back at the parchment in his hand. He was shaking so badly that I heaved with worry ready to throw up. That moved him into action for a moment as he pulled out a chair and made me sit down. He sat back in his chair the parchment still clutched in his shaking hand. He watched me carefully but I couldn't tell him I felt okay because it would be a lie. I glanced at the parchment and his eyes went there too. I could see tears welling up in them. I took a few deep breaths, waiting for him to tell me what had happened but he didn't say anything. Instead I watched as a tear spilled down his face. Suddenly he couldn't bear to look at me, as though he was ashamed of himself. I felt as though I was about to cry. The tears are threatening in my tear ducts, my eyes stinging slightly.

'S-Sirius?' I managed to stutter.

'I shouldn't have left him,' he whispered suddenly so quietly I could barely make it out. 'I shouldn't have left him.'

He shoved the parchment in my direction his fingers stiff from holding it so tightly in his hand. My own hand was shaking as I picked it up off the table and smoothed it out. There was not much to it, just one line and I recognised the handwriting immediately.

_Regulus is dead._

So short, so abrupt and I immediately felt his pain. My hand shot out to grasp his arm and he turned to look at me through pain-filled eyes. I didn't know what to say. Is there anything I could say to make it feel better? I know there isn't. Regulus Black was dead. I opened my mouth to find some words of comfort but none come. What could I say? Nothing would make it any better.

'Sirius, I'm so sorry.'

He stood up abruptly, suddenly angry.

'It's all my fault! I should have dragged him out of that house when I left. I should have dragged him kicking and screaming. I left him there. I left him there with them and now he's dead. My little brother is dead.'

His shouting subsided into sobs and I got unsteadily to my feet. I went to him. I couldn't bear to see him like this. I remembered the day he found out that his little brother had become a Death Eater. I remembered how angry he had been when he had seen the Dark Mark on his little brother's skin. _I hate you_, he had told him with a hiss that would have put a Slytherin to shame. I couldn't even believe that Regulus had become a death eater.

'I told him I hated him,' he told me turning towards me and grabbing my arms tightly. 'I told him he meant nothing to me but I lied. I loved him. He was my brother, my little brother.'

His grip on my arms hurt me slightly but I could see the pain in his face was so much that he didn't even realise he was doing it. I didn't know what to say.

'He knew you loved him,' I told him shakily. 'He knew.'

'It's all my fault. It's all my fault,' he sobbed his legs were no longer able to hold him up and he sunk to the his knees letting go of my arms. 'I should never have left. I shouldn't have let them brainwash him. I'm his big brother. I'm supposed to protect him. I'm supposed to protect him.'

I knelt down in front of him and enveloped him in a cuddle which was made slightly awkward by my bump.

'Regulus made his own choices,' I said softly knowing that those words wouldn't help in the slightest but Sirius couldn't blame himself for the path that Regulus chose to take.

'If I had been a good brother maybe it would have been different,' he sobbed into my neck and I could feel his tears dampening my shoulder. I couldn't stop my own tears from spilling down my face. 'If I hadn't ignored him it could have been different.'

'You were a good brother, Sirius,' I said softly stroking his hair comfortingly.

'I loved him, Serena. I loved him.'

I had known that. I'd known all the way through school that Sirius, although he had ignored his Slytherin brother, looked out for Regulus and in a way I had too. Sirius had always checked on Regulus if he ended up in the hospital wing. I had seen the pride in Sirius' eyes when Regulus became the Slytherin seeker and I had even caught Regulus sneaking to check on Sirius when he was in the hospital wing. They had had a screwed up relationship but Sirius had loved his brother and Regulus had known that.

'Regulus loved you too.'


End file.
